The Waiting Game

Still pregnant….

Last Thursday we had our 39-week doctor’s appointment which, for those of you who haven’t gone through this rigamarole, consists of peeing in a cup, getting weighed and measured, listening to baby’s heart, and having gloved fingers stuck up inside you for a let’s-see. I was essentially unchanged from the previous Thursday: 2 cm dilated, 80% effaced, “very soft”. Baby heartrate 120bpm, fundal height 40cm. Blood pressure still “perfect” and weight holding steady. Carrying on my hereditary tradition of defying “what most people do,” I haven’t gained any weight in this last month of pregnancy despite eating fairly high-calorie food pretty heartily. Like my mom before me, I gained whatever weight I was going to gain in the first part of pregnancy and then pretty much stalled out. Baby is gaining weight appropriately, but sans baby I am, if anything, losing a little.

On Thursday, the doctor mentioned inducement (induction?) for the first time. He said that if we went a week past the due date — which, btw, he randomly changed to April 24 and says has always been the 24th, despite having said it was the 25th for the past nine months, weird — that we might induce, and that he could postpone that up until two weeks overdue with heavy monitoring. I really, really, really don’t want to go down that road if it’s possible to avoid it, so if nothing else, I hope the little guy — or my body, or whomever/whatever it is that is ultimately responsible for this sort of thing — takes care of business the old-fashioned way, and on the doctor’s timeline.

So if I’m due the 24th, we’re at T-minus 48 hours. No contractions, no broken water, no apparent plug loss. Old wives’ tales would be encouraged by the fact that I had a few days of high energy, and that my digestive system has gone a bit haywire. Other than really beginning to feel the muscle strain of lugging around GigantoBelly, and the associated discomfort at night (and hourly trips to the bathroom), I don’t feel much different than I did a week ago.

I think, in general, I could be okay with playing the waiting game for a little bit longer, if it were just up to me. These are my last few days as Not-Mom, of being able to (hypothetically) sleep when I want to, or get into the car and go somewhere without worrying about car seats and diaper bags and breast milk. Even though I’m not entirely “just me” — The Bump certainly qualifies as a separate entity at this point, if only in terms of sheer square footage — I can still sit here in the house, in near perfect quiet, and be something akin to alone. At this point in time, no one and nothing is so dependent on me that I couldn’t walk away for several hours.

It is hard to patiently wait, though, when surrounded by impatience! 🙂 Ryan, in particular, is very eager to get this show on the road. He keeps threatening to start at the top of my torso and squeeze me like a tube of toothpaste to get the little guy to come out. I become anxious for the baby to arrive more for R’s sake than for mine….

There’s a certain amount of… well, I’m not sure what to call it. It’s a variation on dread, I guess, although nothing so very bleak and scary. Everything is going to be very different, and I don’t know what that’s all going to be like. There is certainly a very loud and confident part of me that embraces the impending change, knowing that this is exactly what I wanted and how important it all is to me. This part of me says that it will be tough but good, that I will figure it all out, that I will transition into my new life just fine.

But there are quieter voices, too: voices who have doubts, voices who wonder what in the world I’ve gotten myself into, even selfish little voices that want to keep leading a carefree child-free life.

I am not afraid of what will happen at the hospital. But part of me is afraid of what happens when we come back home.

I suppose that’s probably normal.

On a sillier note, I do wish [REDACTED] would go ahead and show up, because I have several things on the calendar that I’m bound to miss if he keeps dragging his feet! I’ve got two events next weekend, and things the following weekend as well, that I’d really like to be able to attend if only momentarily… I mean, obviously I’m being goofy here, but I stand a chance of being able to swing by (for example) a baby shower if I’m several days post-partum, whereas if I’m in labor I am probably going to miss that one! 😉

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One thought on “The Waiting Game

  1. Hey!!! I saw my doc last Friday and he said I am zero cm dilated and not “softening” whatsoever. I felt like kicking his teeth out, but yesterday when Chris and I went to dinner and a show I felt so glad that baby hadn’t yet made an appearance. I’m with you though… I really REALLY don’t want to be induced. Can’t nature pa-lease do it’s thing?!??! I hope so for all four of our sakes:):) Hang in there mama:)

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