Grumbly

Today I feel kind of grumbly (and, not coincidentally, crummy). I think I may have a little bit of a cold; I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s just allergies or swollen-up nasal membranes, but after enduring a sinus headache ALL DAY Saturday, and developing a mild cough, and feeling so unbelievably sleepy even when I know I’m caught up on sleep… I think it’s time to accept the probability of a germ.

I’m also grumbly because I’m fighting the overwhelming impulse to fret.

On October 1 — the day I got sick at work — my symptoms shifted. (At that point I was almost 11 weeks.) I’ve had a hard time defining exactly how they changed; in general, I started feeling better…ish. My digestive issues didn’t completely clear up, but they improved. Before October, I would be ravenous until I ate, and then would feel like I ate WAY too much for about two hours, at which point I would abruptly be ravenous again. Now, I never actually feel hungry — I just know that I’m hungry because I start to feel sick — and NOTHING sounds good to eat. I don’t feel like I have indigestion any more but I’m still belching like a 16-year-old boy. My legs, which have always suffered from inexplicable itchiness, now itch so badly that I’m sometimes afraid I’m going to scratch them clean off. (They’re fine for a day after I shave, but the moment there’s even a hint of hair, I’m scratching holes through my pants.) Some nights I only wake up once to go to the bathroom; other nights I’m up practically every hour. The main change, and the one that has been the most difficult for me to really nail down, is that my mind feels… clearer, somehow. It’s not that I’m not exhausted anymore (I am); it’s more like… like I had been going around with dirty glasses on, and when October hit, I cleaned them off.

As I near the second trimester, I’ve been warned not to worry when my symptoms change. And I know, of course, that they are going to do that. I wasn’t really expecting it until week 13 or so, but I know that every pregnancy is different. And it’s not as if I don’t feel pregnant anymore.

Still. I am very, very uncomfortable with change. On the outside, I’m cool and calm and happy and positive. Inside, I’m an increasingly frayed ball of stress. I can’t stop myself from imagining problems, from comparing this shift in symptoms to the drop-off in symptoms that prefaced the miscarriage. Last time, the symptoms subtly changed WEEKS before I knew anything was really wrong. Rationally, I know that getting past that 8-week mark was significant — that there’s no reason to believe things aren’t going well — that this time is vastly different than last time. (And for what it’s worth, if I can quiet down Crazy Voice enough to listen to Intuition Voice, I really do feel like everything is okay.) Unfortunately, as folk wisdom informs us, there is rarely much about a pregnant gal’s mind that can be defined as “rational.”

One week from today, we get to go back to the doctor for another ultrasound — one where they’ll check to make sure the yolk sac did what it was supposed to do and that the baby is doing what s/he’s supposed to do. I wish like crazy it was today. I know that we’ve been very lucky to have already had a couple of ultrasounds, but it feels like an eternity since I had proof that everything was okay. I keep fantasizing about an at-home doppler or something; again, my rational brain (not to mention R) knows that it’s not the best thing for Bébé to subject it to regular blasts of sonic waves, but my crazy preggers brain rationalizes that surely it would be better for him/her than swimming in Mommy’s stress… (Then again, I think they only work in the third trimester anyway, so it really is just a fantasy. Maybe I should switch my daydream over to breaking into the doctor’s office and using their ultrasound machine in the middle of the night….)

Okay. Breathe. It’s only seven days. I can make it.

Let’s talk about something fun instead.

On Saturday, I finally got to tell my BSWP buddies. That group of people had been really helpful to me in working through some emotional scar tissue related to the last pregnancy, and I wanted to tell them all in person. I’m not very comfortable with making big, personal announcements, so I was relieved when I saw on the agenda that we’d be telling a partner what was up with our lives, and then we’d share for each other. My partner was Angie, and she was awesome. We were the second-to-last table to go, and as people shared their partners’ “what I’ve been up to” stories, Freudian slips and unintended innuendo kept popping up. Then we got to Angie, and this is what happened:

ANGIE: “Well, I’m really not even sure how to say this, but Kate’s been being quite scandalous! To start with, she’s sleeping with a first-year teacher…”

[Hoots and applause.]

ANGIE: “I’m really not sure that’s very professional!”

KATE: “It’s mentoring!”

JEFF: “That’d be visible mentoring!” (We’d been discussing invisible vs. visible mentoring earlier.)

[Much laughter.]

ANGIE: “And as it turns out, she is in fact facing some pretty serious consequences for her conduct… she’s knocked up!”

[Yays, etc.]

Now that I’ve spilled the beans to that group, I feel like I’m pretty much ready to begin telling everyone — which I guess is good timing, since I’m almost at the second trimester milestone. Still not 100% sure how/when to tell my students… I’m kind of thinking of just telling all of my Facebook friends, which will include some students, and let the news spread from there. Not sure.

But I’m definitely going to wait for that until after next Monday’s appointment.

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