Anticipation

“Shout” by Suneko – click image for source

When I first told R that we were pregnant, he expressed his desire to shout our news from the rooftops. We were both so thrilled, so excited, so blessed to have this second chance. And after last time, when the first time we got to share our news was when we had to tell friends and coworkers that we’d had the miscarriage, I felt like I wanted to do things differently.

At the same time, though, I was feeling a little gunshy. I wasn’t sure how I wanted to proceed. The hardest thing was thinking of family. There was never any doubt in my mind that I would tell immediate family that day, but at the same time there was this lingering sense of guilt. Last time had been so devastating. Wouldn’t it have been better, part of me wondered, if they’d never known? If they hadn’t had to share that burden of loss?

Ultimately, we decided to tell immediate family and my close friends right off the bat. I didn’t wait to tell my friends at work; they’d been my suppport system (and in many cases, prayer circle) throughout our fertility and miscarriage struggles, and I wanted them to know and be a part of our good news, too. And from there, it began gradually trickling out. When I had the bleeding issue and was on “take it extremely easy” rest, I had to tell my building principal so that she would make some accommodations for me. Then my main administrator asked me directly how I was doing, and while I could have avoided mentioning the pregnancy, I didn’t. At this point, I think quite a few of my colleagues know; I know several of R’s do as well, but not yet his principals. (Less of a priority; the pregnancy isn’t going to affect his work performance much until it ends.)

Keeping this blog has led us to tell some people, too. As some of my old friends found and reconnected with this blog, I’ve been giving them the password. After all, the password isn’t to keep our news private — it’s to give me a thin veil of privacy in case my students stumble on the blog. (I’ll come back to that soon.)

Now, though, I’m anxious to climb on top of the house with a bullhorn. According to some sources, we’ve made it from embryo to fetus, which is the last big scary transition before birth. (I won’t have that confirmed for another couple of weeks.) I think my more perceptive students can tell that I don’t feel well; my energy level is noticeably low, and on days when I forget eyeliner it’s pretty apparent that I’m not sleeping well.

Next weekend, I meet with my BSWP fellows. They were an amazing part of my miscarriage recovery, as it turns out, and I want to tell them in person. There’s a joke or superstition that the BSWP Summer Institute makes people get pregnant; we already had one pregnant gal, and then another announced her pregnancy a few weeks ago. I’m excited to get to add to the crop, but also a little nervous because one of my friends from BSWP has been struggling with infertility herself, and having been on the receiving end of “someone else’s good news,” I’m a little cringey.

There’s also the issue of more extended family. That’s a more complicated area than I want to get into here.

Then there’s Facebook. About 23 of my FB friends are on a special list called “Bluebirds,” where I post links to my protected posts and occasionally post a pregnancy-related status. These friends are close friends, people who helped us through our fertility struggles, and people who are “in the know” about Tecumseh Batman. There aren’t any men on that list at this point (except R), for no real reason other than I felt stupid publicizing posts about bodily changes and problems to dudes. While I have a lot of FB friends who are not people I ever see or think about outside of FB, I’m anxious to tell many of my “real” FB friends about our good news.

And finally… there’s my students. I want to wait to tell them until I’m in the second trimester (so, mid-late October). Part of me wants to wait until I’m showing, but who knows how long that’ll be; I already had a “carb bump,” so TBB has some growing to do before s/he shows up at my waistline. And since this is my first pregnancy, I’m not showing anywhere near as quickly as my friend B (lucky duck!). But I don’t want to wait too long, because the majority of my students are in semester-long classes, and so if I don’t tell them before Christmas break they won’t find out at all. When my friend A was pregnant, she put out a “suggestion box” in her classroom so that the students could suggest good (or hilarious) baby names. I would love to do that (cuz you know, I don’t like names or anything, SARCASM FONT) or maybe even a “guess the actual birthdate” game.

(Does that make me a horrible narcissist? I don’t want to be Mamazilla… but this — THIS — is the big thing. This is the thing I want and care more about than anything else in the world. Forget graduate degrees and bigger salaries and awards and fancy cars. I want my children. I am so excited about this that I could absolutely explode. So I hope that blogging about every little thing, and wanting to let my students play baby shower games, isn’t completely insufferable. On the other hand… I don’t much care…)

So I guess my current timeline is:

  • Extended family: Anytime. (And if you’re close family reading this, and are wondering if you can/should spread the word — be our guest!)
  • BSWP Fellows: Next Saturday at our fall meeting.
  • Closer FB friends: This weekend at the earliest (after BSWP knows)… maybe wait until after next dr appt?
  • Extended FB friends and students: ???

Before I sign off, everyone’s favorite feature: The TMI Report! Last night I disregarded the advice about not drinking anything before bed — and only had to get up once! At 1 AM on the dot. I don’t know how my body does this. I went to sleep much later than usual last night, too, so it’s not like I’m waking up three hours into the night or anything. And… my bedtime snack was two stool softeners washed down with a glass of Metamucil! #thuglife #iamsosexy #worthit #unnecessaryhashtags

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