Based on the evidence of the past two weekends, I can confidently conclude that I am much sicker on the weekends than I am during the week. The only reasonable explanation I can come up with (other than the hypothesis that teenagers emit some sort of morning sickness-combating pheromones) is that I’m actually not any sicker when I’m not at work, but that work keeps me so busy/distracted that I don’t realize I feel as badly as I do.
For the past two days — and the previous weekend — I’ve felt nothing but blech. I can tell, when I sit down and run a mental diagnostic of myself, that the problem isn’t actually in my stomach. The queasiness seems, in fact, to be centered around my upper chest and shoulders, and up my throat into my ears. It’s that feeling when you’re in the back seat driving on a mountain road and realize that you are just about to get carsick… or when you’ve been doing something very physical when it’s too hot out, and you stop and just feel like crap all over.
Very rarely is it actually full-blown nausea, although that has hit me a few times in the past week. I’ll start belching, and if I don’t address the issue (i.e., eat something) the belches will escalate to something dangerously close to “productive.” This morning, I woke up at about 6:30 with the realization that I had to get up and eat breakfast lest I become quite entirely ill. A bowl of Cheerios later, I could go back to sleep. But I’ve spent the majority of the day sidelined by this general feeling that I’ve gone on the Tilt-o-Whirl a few too many times.
Along with that, I’m afflicted with a cocktail of weariness and ennui, a lack of stamina that keeps me from enjoying myself at stores or getting much of anything done around the house, a stuffy nose, dry itchy skin, dry-mouth in the mornings, and very aggravating bouts of restless leg syndrome. However, with the (usual) exception of the dry skin and indigestion, I don’t really experience these things during the work week.
So, on the one hand, I want to go back to work tomorrow so that I feel better.
But on the other hand… I have zero interest in going to work tomorrow. Well, maybe not zero interest; if I could just hang out with my friends and talk about stuff, that’d be cool. Heck, it’s be okay just to hang out with my kids. I just don’t want to have to think about Englishy stuff.
And good God… we have parent-teacher conferences this week. Which means that on Wednesday and Thursday, I have to be at work for over twelve hours.
I am worried that I am not being a very good teacher this year, but when I stand back and try to look at it objectively, I don’t really see any great failings except that I’m not having lightning-fast turnaround on grading papers…. but I never have. That’s just sort of my permanent failing. And I guess maybe I just don’t care quite as much as I usually do? But I’m not letting my shift in priorities show in the classroom, I hope, so maybe it’s okay that I no longer live and breathe school. Maybe it’s okay that I’m leaving school before 4:30 and not agonizing over staying up all night prepping.
There are just more important things to prep right now, y’know?
Pass the crackers.