Fear and Hope

I am finding it profoundly difficult to write, out of a combination of exhaustion and the superstitious fear that I will somehow jinx things by committing them to paper. So let’s start with the bare fact: Today I am two months pregnant. Tomorrow I go back to the doctor and I am terrified. On the one hand, I haven’t had any spotting for nine days now. And so there’s that mantra: no blood, no pain, no problem. But I just keep thinking about last time, and the fact that while I thought I was ten weeks along when the miscarriage occurred, that the baby had actually stopped growing (which I suppose is doctor-talk for “died”) in week 7. Today marks three days in a row of much milder pregnancy symptoms than I had been experiencing, which isn’t doing anything for my peace of mind. Still, there’s nothing to be done for it. Tomorrow we’ll know how things stand tomorrow; there’s no predicting what comes the next day.

God willing, our due date is April 25(ish).

The past few days excluded, I’ve had a pretty queasy stomach but nothing terribly vile. More like a vacillating case of carsickness. But if I keep eating small snacks every couple of hours, I seem to do okay. LOTS of fatigue; I’m having a hard time getting through a day without taking a long nap. Twinges and pinches in my abdomen every once in a while (tapered off in the past week or so) and twice I’ve had what felt like a hormonal sort of headache. Definitely experiencing dehydration despite CONSTANTLY drinking water. Just this past week my skin started acting a little bit like I was seventeen again, hooray. My nails are growing more than usual; my hair has completely changed its personality and is now limp and lifeless — no curl at all. I’ve been having dreadful allergies for me for this time of year (usually my bad ones are in late May/early June) which is apparently to be expected; when pregnant, one’s mucuses all go into hyperdrive, causing allergy sufferers to have a worse time of it. I’ve also found myself being crankier — not with kids, and not with family or friends, but with coworkers and authority figures. It’s like, my ability to “smile and nod” has faded right along with my hair’s bounce.

I mentioned spotting before; on August 28 I had some spotting, and it didn’t stop (although it wasn’t the least bit heavy) so I called the doctor and he had me come in for an early ultrasound. We went in on the 30th (complete nervous wrecks) to learn that all was well — the baby was the correct size and had a heartbeat and everything (150 bpm). What a moment that was… wow… Anyway, the doctor thought it was probably just implantation bleeding, as he couldn’t see any evidence of a problem, but told me to go on “take it incredibly easy” duty until I was spot-free for at least two weeks. I kept spotting through September 2, but haven’t had any since then. In the meantime, I’ve been doing a lot of lounging, not moving my desks although I wanted to, not carrying anything, not letting the cat jump on my lap without a pillow… And a lot of worrying and hoping.

My friend and coworker B is pregnant, too — probably due about three weeks before I am. It’s fun to have a “buddy” just down the hall. I feel badly for her because she’s so very sick; this is her second baby, and both times gave her terrible morning sickness. At its worst, mine hasn’t been in the same ballpark. Our school librarian is also pregnant, due in December. Last night I had a dream wherein practically everyone in our department was pregnant; our new teacher, who has only been married a short while and who has no interest in a baby right now, had to leave work in my dream because she was going into labor, and I was going over to my friend G’s classroom to cover for her while she went to the doctor for a prenatal checkup. I guess I just wanted to make it a real party!

I have had some CRAZY dreams. The “best” (in terms of craziness) one, by far, placed me in Saudi Arabia. I had met Saddam Hussein’s very pretty, nice younger sister, and murdered her. Then I’d folded her up and put her into one of those canvas tote bags, and was carrying her around trying to find a place to dispose of the body, but there were cameras everywhere and I didn’t want to get caught. Oh, and I was trying to find a place to find some good Chinese take-out, too. That seemed equally urgent to me.

Okay… well, this has been fairly disjointed, but at least I got the ink flowing. I’d like to go back and write a few things about the past few weeks (maybe backdating? not sure) and then I want to try to keep writing a bit more faithfully… Going to go ahead and wrap up this mess now though. 🙂


One thought on “Fear and Hope

  1. Pingback: Really Big News!! « Did You Have Juice?

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