Today was my 31st birthday, and I had planned a really special surprise that I’d been eagerly awaiting for several weeks. I was so excited to give myself the gift of going on Facebook and this blog to tell all my friends and family that Ryan and I were going to have a baby early next July. Our first doctor’s appointment was supposed to be yesterday, and we were going to share the good news today.
Instead, I’ve spent the last several days “losing the baby,” which is about the most awful euphemism I’ve ever heard.
Yesterday, in particular, was truly brutal – I guess I can be thankful that it was yesterday and not today. The worst of it is over, physically, but there’s still a lot of heartache, disappointment, and a nagging sense of surreality that I’m sure will linger for some time.
This was a very dearly desired baby – we’d even been trying fertility treatments – and I can’t really begin to express how badly this loss hurts, but I have Hope in a death-grip and can only pray that by my next birthday there will a different story to tell, instead of “I am 31 years old, and childless”. It has been a long bad spell for my family and myself, and it sometimes becomes difficult to have faith that things will get better… I guess I thought we were due for some good news, but apparently it just doesn’t work that way. Which, of course, I know.
The good news, of course, is that it is statistically unlikely that we’ll have a repeat episode (knock on wood) and that we now know that we can do this, so it’s just a matter of doing it again. I know that I did nothing wrong, that there was no stopping this from happening. We’ll have our babies. Just not this July.
BTW – I’m sorry, Becky, for prevaricating when you asked how the fertility treatments were going… and Kirsti and Gina, I think you must have suspected when you kept asking how I was feeling… the true answer was, “I’m happier than I have been in several years,” and I wish now that I had just gone ahead and told you why instead of holding out for an arbitrary deadline.
Anyway, I’m still not 100% certain I want to send this out into the online universe – aren’t miscarriages supposed to be one of those things you don’t talk about? – but something inside me seems to think that I’d like y’all to know… so I guess I’ll chance it. I can always delete the post, right?
Love y’all. Take care of each other.